From Stuck Perfectionist to Embodied Leadership
To be an embodied leader who leads with their heart and values – but really to get anything we want out of life – we have to address our perfectionism. Which really is just about addressing our shame.
Perfectionism is the impulse to create and perform flawlessly; to have it all figured out. Perfectionism says there is NO PLACE for our messiness.
Perfection is, yes, a social construct, however, it's very real. It's a personal and a collective trauma.
Many of us live in a punishment-based culture, and many of our ancestors have lived in these cultures before us. In these cultures, when we fuck up, punishment is the result.
Whether it's humiliation, withholding love, excluding us from a community or worse, punishment is often involved.
While there is some debate on this, shame could have been a thing we evolved so we conform to social cues and do not get kicked out of our communities. As social creatures needing other humans to survive, this is akin to death.
Regardless, it makes sense that we hold fear and shame in our bodies around the want to be perfect!
Knowing this, the next time you beat yourself up for your perfectionism, try to be a little more gentle. Your body is so wise!
However, the thing is, perfection is IMPOSSIBLE to achieve. It is a trap. A set up. It is not something to strive for.
We are human. We are inherently messy. We have and we will continue to make mistakes.
With mistakes and all, we do belong.
There is space for you and your messiness.
It's important to separate guilt from shame … we know this thanks to the work of Brené Brown, who laid out for us:
While guilt says, "I made a mistake."
Shame says, "I am a mistake."
Shame based decisions lead to paralysis, isolation, silence, dissociation, violence, punishment, dehumanization, policing one another, and so much more.
It takes practice not to get caught in analysis paralysis. It takes baby steps in the direction you want to go.
It takes reminding your body that you are safe – even when not everyone likes you or agrees with you.
The thing is, no matter what you do or who you are, not everyone will like you. Some people may even try and shame you.
What has helped me is finding nuance in my nervous system. This is something we will explore a lot in the Boss Witch program.
For example: I choose my battles. I don't take in every critique I get. I really don't care what cis men online have to say about my work, because my work isn't centering them. In fact, most people online who I have never spoken to have never bought any of my products or signed up for my mailing list, and their opinions just don't hold much weight.
Often, what people share are their own projections and insecurities which they project onto me. When people give me their opinions but don't try to do what I'm doing, then I often just let them roll off me.
Okay, content warning, this is a quote from Theodore Roosevelt! But/and there is a reason Brené Brown named her book, Daring Greatly, after it:
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
― Theodore Roosevelt
However, I have exceptions to this. For example, if someone shares how I am not considering their identity and they are more systemically oppressed than me, then I take in that feedback with big gratitude. For example, if someone shares that they cannot read my graphic because they have a visual disability and they would love the colors changed or a caption, I want to know that! I don't beat myself up about it – but I care.
This is allowing nuance!
(Again this course isn't about knowing how to be inclusive in all of the ways. I assure you, there is not one course or really any lifetime that can teach you that. You've got to build resiliency skills to keep learning and receiving feedback.)
We don’t learn in a vacuum, no matter how alluring that sounds. You need to build and engage a community so you know how to serve them.
If you are open to listening, you will learn quickly and not make really big mistakes. You don't want to build out a HUGE course before having any idea if it's going to support anyone because you are too afraid to put yourself out there and ask folks what they need.
PAUSE. Take a deep breath into your belly! Let it out with a sigh.
You might be a little embarrassed about your first time sharing something new online or the first time you offer a new product.
Just like you get to be embarrassed about yourself from a year ago or about the kind of hair you rocked in high school. It’s a good sign that you are learning and expanding.
Business is about serving and you can't serve in a vacuum. But it takes starting now. I know you can leave the nest…
Want some journal prompts to reflect on and work through your perfectionism?
I have a free mini-course for you.
A free 7-part, self-paced, mini-course to holistic & pleasure based business for feminists who want more abundance without sacrificing their values or wellbeing