How to Build Shame Resilience
An important step to root into self love is to address our shame.
First, let's differentiate between shame and guilt. Grateful for Brené Brown for articulating a concept which I have found profoundly helpful in loving myself more deeply. In Brené’s famous Ted Talk about vulnerability, she emphasizes the importance of separating shame from guilt.
While guilt says, “I made a mistake,” shame says “I am a mistake.”
See the difference?
Guilt is taking ownership for my problematic and negatively impactful behavior, but shame is believing that my existence is inherently bad. Guilt can drive us toward action and understanding, while shame often brings on the nervous system state of of fight or flight or even SHUT DOWN.
Guilt “can be” helpful for self love because it means I understand that I am powerful enough that my actions do have impact on other people, but that I am also capable of change.
Guilt helps me separate myself from behaviors, habits and patterns so I can change them. Yay!
However, guilt can become easily excessive and tricky for those for many, especially recovering Catholics or codependents, etc. Guilt is something to learn from, but not be consumed by.
Shame is more tricky, because it can be very subtle and VERY insidious. Shame says: I am inherently bad on a core level. Many religious and institutional ideologies support this idea. When we believe this, it doesn’t allow room for growth.
Unfortunately, shame is correlated with increased amounts of self harm and harm to others. It’s hard to be hopeful when we believe no matter what you do or don’t do, your core identify is unworthy...and wrong.
In the book, "Beyond Survival," Nathan Shara writes,
"With no way to escape from the totality of our belief ("I just am wrong"), we may do some of the following:
hide what we feel is bad about ourselves and try hard to pass as "good"
overcompensate in other parts of life through overwork, caretaking, or perfectionism to make up for whatever is "wrong" about us.
defend ourselves from any insinuation that we might have done wrong, attempt to rationalize, or justify our actions.
blame someone else, try to divert responsibility, or shift the focus onto another.
attack anyone who draws attention toward the source of our shame, try to have power by dominating or shaming others.
numb through self-harming use of alcohol, substances, food, sex, technology, and so on.
Many of us tap into all or most of these strategies in different situations.
Overaccountability and underaccountability are two sides of the same coin:
"I can't stand how bad I feel and can't imagine making it right (overaccountability) so I'm going to hide that it (whatever it is) even happened, or lie about it or blame someone else (underaccountability.)"' -Beyond Survival: Strategies and Stories from the Transformative Justice Movement Nathan Shara's chapter on Facing Shame: From Saying Sorry to Doing Sorry
On the other hand, experiencing guilt is inversely related to the perpetuation of harm!
It can be, in appropriate doses, a responsible, wise, and self loving place to come from. However, displaced guilt, or overstated guilt relinquishes us of all pleasure. NOT USEFUL.
This is about reminding myself that I am never a mistake.
I am inherently good, deeply belong on this planet and there is ALWAYS room for change and healing.
Now, all of this is great, but theory is only partially helpful. Building shame resiliency.
Meaning, not diving into shame spirals that disrupt your life, is a somatic practice. Meaning, it’s a practice that needs to be felt and tracked in the body.
Brené Brown talks about the people who can catch themselves in shame spirals best are aware of the physical symptoms of the spiral. For example, for me, it's tunnel vision, heart and head pounding, dissociation from my legs, shoulders hunched, neck forward, head down, and lots of tingly sensations in my hands.
Being able to catch yourself and your body’s sensation at the very beginning of a shame spiral is a way to help slow it down and observe your body rather than make decisions from this freaked out place.
If you are familiar with my work, you know I love journaling as a way to become more self aware and self loving. I like to use a timer and write steam of consciousness style for a set amount of time.
Here are some journal prompts for you:
What are your physical signs of a shame response?
What are the physical sensations and signs of shame in your body when you experience shame?
To quote Sonya Renee Taylor, "what are you ready to stop apologizing for?"
Remember to:
Light your candle or incense.
Take 3 deep breaths into the belly. Tuning into a felt sense of safety in the body, surroundings, or a memory.
Set your timer. Up to you how long. (I do between 10-20 mins)
And begin.
love,
luna
Are you ready to get radically honest with yourself, root into self love, and fill your life with your HELL YES?
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