In a World of Overwhelm & Obligation, Committing to Yourself in 2021 Takes Fierce Self Love

If you have been following along my journey, you know that my course designed to build a writing habit, Take Care, is now open for enrollment

I created this course for the recovering people pleasers. The people who struggle with feeling fiercely connected to what they want and need. People that may have a big vision of pleasure for themselves, but can’t seem commit to making it a reality…who get lost in the daily distractions of social media, heinous world news, and toxic relationships they can’t quite let go of.

Journaling is a fantastic way to empty our heads and hearts from all the noise that can make it hard to think clearly in our lives. It’s an anti-utilitarian process that emphasizes the journey of writing yourself into knowing; of finding yourself as you go.

While I have so much to say about the benefits of freewriting and journaling for your mental health and general wellbeing (and I go into more detail in my new course Pleasure Witch Academy), there is another element to the life-changing potential of journaling that I want to emphasize:  It’s not just the journaling that changes lives, it’s the commitment you make to showing up for yourself that does.

To show you what I mean by this, I decided to take my answer to the blog this week and share with you how making space for this practice, by curating a morning routine, has literally changed my life.

We have all heard about the benefits of setting up and keeping to a morning routine, which for some, may sound incredible boring. That’s okay! It might be helpful to think of it like an orgasm, the pleasures of a morning routine need to be experienced and cannot really be explained. 

Even so, I hope that my experience might inspire some of you to consider introducing a pleasurable routine to your mornings. Not for productivity, but for happiness! For self love. Coming back to it has been so profoundly helpful to me coming back home to myself. 

Setting up a routine is not about shaming or punishing ourselves, or turning into robots. I know that living in a civilization that is founded on white supremacy makes shit tricky. Nevertheless, I deeply believe that humans are inherently good, even though we can lose our way in these systems of oppression, exploitation, generations of inheretided trauma.

Showing up for yourself and regularly clearing your heart and mind from the toxic chatter can be a way back to clarity. Clarity that is medicine for the world.

If, like me, you are a recovering people pleaser and you find yourself being swept away by life, having a stable practice to bring you back to your shores is paramount. 

If you know you want to make big or small changes in (y)our world, this can be support to channel your vision and build the emotional strength necessary to continue this self loving work.

All of these examples tie into your mental health and how integral it is to the wellness in all other areas of your life and sexuality.

Prioritizing its nourishment, through a daily routine that grounds you in what matters most, is a small step that leads to astounding changes. Gradually, it can help you take breaks from exhaustion and overwhelm, and into a place of clarity and passion for yourself and your dreams. 

But because I know that it can feel a bit vague to set out creating a routine for yourself, here are some approaches that I have found helpful so far.

1)  Be gentle with yourself.

These mental health tips aren’t meant to be numbing, dissociative, robotic or a way to categorize your behaviors as good or bad.

They are intended to help us face the day.

To get out of just surviving and start thriving, no matter the circumstances.

When it doesn’t go to plan: don’t scold yourself, don’t be cruel to yourself. Instead, GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO JUST BE. To be curious. To notice how you feel.

You can ask yourself,

“How do I feel now? What might I be needing?”

Try naming what you are feeling. Give yourself permission to just feel those feelings. Feelings are not final. Feelings are not failure.

Keep paying attention to what is coming up for you as you set up a morning routine, or journal, or begin any new habit. Acknowledge your feelings and resistance with fierce self love.

2) Replace the habit of scrolling on the phone first thing in morning

I used to think looking at my phone in the morning was “bad” and that I was fucking up when I didn’t follow my own advice. However, my friend, Asia Suler, recently describe social media like “going to a party.” Going to a party isn’t good or bad, it’s just feels like an intense thing to do before leaving the sanctuary of my own bed! When I reframe opening up my social media apps to opening up the doors to a wild party, where I’m not exactly sure who or what I will interact with, I no longer beat myself up. I am more able to consciously choose when I want to engage with the party!

My morning often sets the tone for the rest of the day and using my phone before journaling, e.g. left me way more anxious, scattered, and unsure. If I spent the first few minutes of my day writing, e.g., it allowed me to think my own thoughts first, before pushing them aside for other people’s thoughts that we pick up via text, email, or social media.

If you need to wake up a certain time, I highly recommend getting an alarm clock. One of the reasons most of us have our phones right next to our beds is because we use them to wake us up. However, once the alarm goes off (and we’ve maxed out our snooze alarms), we tend to dive right into social media to help us wake up, having other people’s thoughts and opinions invade our minds, before we’ve had a moment to connect to ourselves.

To stop this autopilot and to come back into my body and the things that are actually important to me, I bought an actual alarm clock so the first thing I do in the morning does not involve picking up my phone. To be honest, I don’t really need to use the alarm clock that often. I also put my phone in another room, have replaced the habit of scrolling with journaling (for the most part), and log out of all of my apps in the evening. It’s annoying, yes, but that second where I need to decide if I want to log in or not has definitely reduced the times I have looked at my phone first thing in the AM.

3)  Make your bed in the morning

I am all for small wins throughout the day, and one of them is making my bed first thing in the morning. Not only does it make your room look better and more comfortable, it’s also your first success of the day.

It’s something supportive you did for yourself and it can be the catalyst for many other small tasks that will add up over your day. 

I know that this is a small and simple thing to do, but returning to a made bed, or seeing it throughout the day feels affirming and good. And little successes matter. These little successes and actions will form into habits that compound over time. 

And so, even though it does not look like much on day one, over time all these small things add up to a life that feels good. A life that feels like it belongs to you.

4) Make success easily in reach

Many habits fail to stick because we haven’t prepped our environment for them or made necessary changes for them. For example, if I want to get up at seven, it’s not enough to simply change my alarm and get up earlier. I also need to make sure that I get to bed on time.

Having a bedtime ritual helps have a morning ritual!

If your morning routine includes exercise, make sure that your clothes and other gear are ready the night before, so that you can keep your resistance to a minimum.

It can be something as small as turning my phone on airplane mode, or drinking magnesium which helps calm me for sleep.

I also like to focus my habits around setting myself up to do something, rather than the doing of it. So, for example, the goal is not to write, but to open up my journal and have a pen ready. Or if you’re like me and love pole dancing more than running, the goal is not pole dancing, but to make it to pole dance class and just get myself in the car. Once you show up, the rest is much easier.

5) Start small and build from there

I feel you if you are magically multifaceted and have many different interests. You likely want to give each of them your time and attention. The great news is…you can! Just not all at once. You can’t be everything all of the time. To form a new habit, there needs to be some focus…choose one thing to start.

Doing one new habit where you have to show up for 5 minutes a day is a small step and definitely doable.

If you add yoga for 30 minutes, journaling for 15, reading for 20 minutes, lifting weights for 25 minutes, dismantling white supremacy for an hour, suddenly you are looking at a big chunk of time. (p.s. just kidding of only an honor of dismantling white supremacy, that’s something that can be infused in every action and feeling and moment of every day. It’s a lifestyle.)

My point is, it can be overwhelming to start small with everything at the same time because if you try to do it all, it won’t actually feel small.

That’s why I recommend starting with one thing, or at least prioritizing one thing. Over time, this new habit will become familiar and will cost you a lot less mental effort. It will be anchored in your life in such a way that you no longer need to work as hard to make it happen.

Once you have reached that point, then you can start adding something else.

You can do it all. I just believe it’s not the best idea to try and do it all at the same time. That’s why I recommend making your goals small (and making sure you don’t have too many small goals going on at the same time), and to consciously celebrate each small win.

6) Start your day with clarity

Before you allow the chatter of the world to add to your own, I can highly recommend the practice of journaling or freewriting in the morning. It helps you figure out what you want and need, even if you didn’t know what that was before you put pen to paper. 

Writing brings you to the other side of whatever you are feeling and soothes you into a state of hopefulness. 

In addition, teasing your thoughts out of the chaos and confusion that can be your mind and heart helps set the tone for the day.

Mornings are a most powerful time. This time allows us to hear our own voice and knowing, before we confuse the signals of our subconscious and bodies with everything that goes on in our life and the world outside.

That’s why I am such an advocate for journaling in this specific time. Not only does it give voice and shape to thoughts and ideas you might have never fully expressed, it also helps you uncover what your subconscious is trying to tell you before anyone else can muddy the signal.

Little tiny habits that we can tweak throughout the day can seriously add up. Repetition matters.

Journaling everyday matters. Habits matter.

A daily practice builds boundaries, and boundaries offer space for your FUCK YES.

If we want to change our life, it comes down to the daily practice. We start with having an awesome day.

These habits and patterns add up. The micro turns into the macro. 

A good day becomes can become a great year.

It’s why I created my online journal course, Take Care.