To give you some extra support during this challenging time, I have re-opened my journaling course Take Care. If you are looking for a way to ground and reconnect to your self AND support others in doing the same, don’t forget to check it out before you leave. If this resonates, you can have a look here, or at the bottom of this post.

Let’s be honest: Co-quarantaining, like we are experiencing right now, can put a lot of strain on relationships! If this is true for you, that’s VALID.

At the same time, I am sure many of us feel like we can’t allow ourselves to admit to this, because there are a lot of people (e.g. on social media) saying things like “You should be GRATEFUL that you get to be with someone!!!!”

Well, first of all, fuck any shoulds. One hardship doesn’t cancel out the other. This is a pandemic, there is room for all of the feelings from all of the different hard experiences that we are currently going through.

I know, for me, spending a radically increased amount of time with my sweetie and not getting much separation or getting to see many other humans, has been tricky. I’ve been needing to remember all of my relationship tools and - oof! - am I grateful to have them.

This is also the reason I thought this would be the perfect time to share them with you!

These tools go way beyond co-quarantine, and they can be applied in everyday life. They are just more important now because all of the feels are amplified.

Maybe some of these guidelines are new to you, or maybe they are just a reminder. Either way, I think they will be helpful to read.

Think of them as tips or guidelines, meaning, don’t use them as an excuse to beat yourself (or anyone up) if they aren’t followed perfectly. Perfection is a made up colonial construct. I say nope to that.

Note: Relationships should NOT be abusive. In a past toxic relationship, I tried to follow my own guidelines, but felt like it was my fault that they didn’t work, where really it was like putting a bandaid on an infection or picking a scab. The I really needed was to leave. While these tips can certainly offer temporary help if you are stuck/co-quaratined with a toxic person right now, they are ultimately for relationships with a healthy foundation. If you are confused about this, check out my blog on the Power of Boundaries here. You never deserve abuse.

1) Share Appreciations Regularly

Sharing regular appreciations with each other is game-changing. To help us stay alive, our brains have evolved to pay attention to danger. However, in our modern day, anything remotely challenging or hard can be translated as dangerous to our brains.

This means that we are very sensitive to the things that don’t go well, or negative comments from others. This is called the negativity bias.

Researchers (e.g. John Cacioppo from the University of Chicago) have found that our brain reacts much more severely to bad news than to good news, and that any negative input needs at least 5 positive inputs to be counterbalanced.

This is an actual ratio that our brain works with and I think it’s a good guideline to go by. Especially when it comes to appreciating our partners. Appreciations look like giving each other time and attention to notice what feels good in the relationship.

Needing to do this doesn’t mean something is wrong with your relationship! Like I said, your brain is working with a negativity bias!

The type of appreciations I’m talking about are the ones where we share how we FEEL rather than telling the other person what they ARE.

For example, saying “you are so kind” can be nice, but it can also fall flat, because it is debatable. People can avoid taking in that type of phrase for different reasons, and it’s more of a compliment than an appreciation.

An appreciation is, “When you make me coffee in the morning, I feel so good, I feel taken care of and seen. Thank you.”

Because this statement is based on personal feelings, it isn’t up for debate and therefore can be more easily received.

My partner and I are doing this every eve before dinner. Sharing what we are grateful for in each other and how it makes us feel. It’s good for the other person to hear, it’s good to receive and it’s good to take time to notice the things that are going well. This is huge.

2) Communicate Vulnerably

Expressing how we feel and using ‘I-statements’ can be really helpful in communicating our vulnerabilities and what is really going on inside, without making it about threatening your partner.

It makes sense that what would normally be small things suddenly feel like HUGE things right now.

For example, normally I’m not bothered by a few clothes lying on the floor but right now, it’s cause for an anxiety spiral that leaves me ungrounded. We all have our shit that bothers us! At the same time, I try to be aware of my stuff and not to blame or THROW my feelings at my partner.

Try sharing how you feel using “I statements.” Again, similarly to the appreciations, go with “I feel anxious when you leave your clothes on the bedroom floor,” rather than “Please pick up your shit now, you are so sloppy.”

I know this might be tricky, and we will mess it up.

As you practice this, try to keep the both/and attitude in mind.

For example, “I’m feeling anxious because of the clothes on the floor AND I know it’s because I’m stressed by something much bigger.”

This is me owning my shit, but also being vulnerable and letting my partner know how it’s adding to my anxiety.

Often, the more vulnerable you are, the better it will go. Communicate transparently, by not just answering questions, but sharing what is going on for you before a question needs to be asked.

3) Admit Mistakes and Take Responsibility

If you do blame it on them, check in with yourself, was it really from all of the stress? Or is it something you need to look at more deeply and address together? Both can be true. Admit when you fucked up.

You don’t need to over apologize and grovel, but again, connect to the vulnerability, empathize with your person and ask how your mistake impacted them. Hold gentleness with yourself and each other over this.

4) Give Feedback on Behaviors, NOT Personality

If your person is the one who fucked up, give them feedback, but give them feedback on their behaviors, not their personality. Like I said above, “when you leave clothes on the floor, I feel anxious.” Rather than “YOU are a slob.”

It’s very easy for us to get caught in shame spirals when we tell someone THEY are a mistake rather than telling them that they made a mistake (a gem that I learned from Brené Brown).

5) Ask for Permission Before Emotionally Processing

Have you ever been focused on something and then all of the sudden someone storms into the room while venting and it just feels really invasive? As a recovering people pleaser, I have to really learn to ask the pause the conversation and say, “I'm not in a space to listen right now.”

But, if we are the person needing to process, we can also practice slowing down and asking if it’s okay before we dump!!!

This means that we allow our people to prepare to listen and be present with us. We talk about the importance of consent for physical contact, why not for communication?

It’s normal to forget this. I fuck it up, but when I remember to ask for permission to share any struggles (or triumphs!) rather than just emotionally occupying my partner’s space before they are ready, it gives me the opportunity to really be seen. And my partner is then given time to get into a headspace to listen, pay attention, and hold me.

6) Gentleness and Empathy

Let’s embrace the gentleness and empathy through all of this. For ourselves and for our loved ones.

This is a tough time and we are in a collective trauma response that everyone reacts to differently.

Try to offer a radical pause to yourself and others and take an extra moment to reflect before acting. Imagine how the other person might be feeling.

Which brings me to our next point...

7) Assume Best Intentions

Assume you and your partner are always doing their best.

This can be really, really, tricky.

It is something you do based on trust. Trust is a bunch of little interactions that add up. Give each other the benefit of the doubt. If your people say something that seems nasty, check in with them and their intentions first, before jumping into a defensive reaction or cold shouldering.

8) Make requests, Not Demands

While folks are doing their best, we also deserve more. We get to ask for help.

How do we do that? We MAKE REQUESTS. This is all about asking for what you want and need without expecting or demanding that this need is met. Meaning, you don’t punish or stonewall your partner when you don’t get what you want.

There is a difference between natural consequences and manipulation.

A natural consequence might be that you trust they know how to say “no” and take care of themselves, or that they lost a tiny bit of trust to hold you when you need it. They don’t need punishment.

Trust isn’t this big mysterious thing, of either yes there is trust or one fuck up and it’s all shattered.

Trust is built by MANY tiny little actions that compound over time, moment by moment.

The difference between requests and demands is how you respond to their answer. A request allows and respects an honest answer, a demand is expecting a specific outcome.

9) Novelty

Okay, we have had a lot of serious points, so here is a more fun one. ;)

Novelty can bring a healthy charge back into a relationship, helping you see the multidimensional humanness of one another. It can also reconnect you to parts of each other that fell by the wayside and that you forgot even existed.

A great way to tap into novelty together is to try out new date ideas together!

Things you could try:

play a card game
dress up for each other and make a meal
watch each other’s favorite movie
give each other massages
put on the self timer and take cute pictures together
facetime each other’s childhood/old friends (maybe it’s your first time meeting them!)
read to each other from your favorite books before going to bed
choose a new series to watch together
play truth or dare
create a “quarantine bucket list” of things you would love to experience during this time
create a list of things to do together when quarantine is finally over
host a spa evening together (get creative with stuff you have around! coffee foot scrubs, honey face masks?!)
remember something you used to do when you first got together and recreate that (e.g. gazing into each other's eyes for a long time, or cuddling naked)

10) Make Sure to Stay Connected to Other Friends/Loved Ones

Even though you and your partner are sharing a space with each other, which makes it easy to only focus on them, it’s important to make sure to stay connected with other family and friends on your own.

Zoom/call/marco polo with other friends and family and find ways to spend time with them, even if you cannot meet in person.

You could also try the novelty approach with them and think of ways to do online dates with your friends and family.

This helps make sure you are getting some of your emotional needs met by other folks and not putting it all on your co-quarantine people.

11) Self-Connection Time

While all of these approaches have centered on negotiating your relationship with another person/s (during co-quarantine), I cannot stress enough how important self-connection time is. Especially if you are an introvert, someone who needs a lot of down time to process, or if you simply need space to pursue your own interest and needs.

Some partners can take a need for space as a signal that something is wrong, or that they are not wanted. This is why it’s very important to communicate your own needs for space, while listening to theirs. Rather than withdrawing from the other person in silence, talk about your space needs and let your partner know that this is unrelated to them. Tell them you want to nurture your relationship with yourself, just like you want to nurture your relationship with them!

Be sure to do activities apart, even if you are in the same room, or spend time in different rooms, if you can.

My partner and I have been journaling separately, going on walks separately, going to bed at different times.

For example, if you sleep in the same bed, one of you can wear headphones if you want to keep watching Netflix and the other doesn’t. You can go on a cooking date, where you open your favorite drink, listen to your favorite podcast and claim the kitchen to make something special for yourself.

Get creative!

These have been some of the strategies that I am leaning into more and more right now, and I hope you found some supportive suggestions to help improve your co-quarantine experience.

On this note, because I know this is by no means an extensive list,

What else would you add? What’s supporting your quarantined relationships right now?

If you are feeling the potential here. If you are wanting support in taking time for yourself. If you are wanting to cultivate hope.

If you are looking for a way to enjoy and savor your relationship with yourself, I’m reopening my course Take Care:30 Days of Writing Yourself into Wholeness as an invitation to those who know they want to embrace the both/and.

One way to tap into all of the things I have been suggesting in this post, and a great way to self-connect during this time, is to journal, stream of consciousness style.

Journaling can help you process what is happening right now AND it can help reduce stress on you and your relationships, because it gives you a safe space to process your emotions and anything that might be coming up for you.

Journaling helps you dive deep into your own self and bring up truths you might have been hiding from, or reasons for how you are experiencing this situation that you didn’t even know were impacting you.

With take care, you can

Dig deep into your self and pull out wondrous revelations
AND take care of community (when you get Take Care, 50% of sales will be donated to native reservations, sex workers, Black, brown, low income, elder, and disabled communities financially struggling due to Covid-19.)

find out more

If you do any of the prompts and are willing to share, you can always tag me on IG. I love seeing all you beautiful humans showing up in this world and for this world,

With fierce love,

Co-Quarantine Putting a Strain on Your Relationship? Read this.