Transforming Pussy Pain into Pleasure
Have you ever felt pain in your pussy? Have you had sex that was anything less than pleasurable? Painful sex can feel so isolating, confusing, frustrating, and just pretty horrible. Especially when our media is filled with so much pressure for us to have this fabulously vibrant sex life. Hello?! I would like that, but it freaking hurts! Pussy pain may negatively impact your life in a variety of ways. It may affect how you connect with a lover and more importantly how you feel about yourself, and therefore your lens on how you view the whole world. Well, I am 100% certain you deserve a life of pleasure and that pussy pain can be transformed!
Unfortunately, it’s often hard to find a doctor in our traditional medical system that can help and it’s usually not a quick fix, but something that needs to be explored in multiple dimensions and directions.
While I’m not a total expert in pussy pain and I haven’t personally experienced vulvodynia, I have learned a lot with my own relationship to pain and pleasure in my pussy, and have some hopefully helpful resources for you.
Before I dive in, I want to address that having a pussy doesn’t equate to womanhood. Some people who have physical pussies are not women and some with physical pussies are men. Gender and sex are different things! Gender is not something that can be seen, it’s in our brain. When we equate pussies and womanhood to being synonymous/interchangeable, it’s harmful to many, many folks because it erases the experience of trans, non binary and intersex people. This article is about my personal experience with pussy pain as a gender questioning queer woman, who has been sexually involved with mostly cis men. (Cis meaning someone who identifies with the gender they were assigned at birth.)
Second, there is SO much more to sex than just penetration. While penetrative sex can be great (or painful), it isn’t the center of the sexy universe! My belief is that most people can enjoy pleasure with their pussy. (Notice how I didn’t say orgasm. I wrote an article dismantling orgasm and sex in 3 Beliefs that helped liberate my sexuality that gives more context for this.)
My hope and intention in sharing these resources is that if you experience chronic or occasional pussy pain with any type of penetration or not, this will help guide you to experiencing more pleasure in your life!
Finally before we totally dive in, this is a post inspired by my contribution to Asia Suler’s (aka One Willow Apothecaries) Pussy Portal Library of Pussy Healing & Empowerment. The pussy portal is an online library of resources to help you access the power of your own root. From pelvic massage to pussy steaming, to ancestral tending to earth reclamation. I am honored to contribute two classes to this library of healing and if it is something that has you thinking - or even shouting out loud - “fuck, this is exactly what I need right now”, then you can take a look at the details here, or at the bottom of this post!
Painting by @janabrinke
But now, let’s get started on the journey of transforming pussy pain into pleasure!
Language & Worthiness
Let’s start with language. Do you have words for your body that you connect with? That you find affirming? In the journey of finding pleasure, it’s first important to feel you are worthy of pleasure! To really demystify this, I wrote a whole article on self love. You can read it here. While self love is a complex practice, language is something small and powerful that we can start shifting now. For me personally, “pussy” feels really good for me to say. It feels sexy in my mouth. I like the way it makes my lips purse together. I also like the word “cunt” but reserve that for a certain sexual mood that I am in, typically when I feel more dominating. It’s really important to find a word that works for you! Occasionally I like the word “yoni” but it totally depends on the context, like with all of these words. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with a male presenting person on the street shouting about my pussy in an objectifying way, and I have icky associations with the word “yoni” because of it’s use among some transphobic white women, with an air of spiritual superiority. Like I said, context is important to me. Find words that works for you and communicate that to yourself and to your lovers. For the rest of this article I use the word “pussy,” (I am the pussy witch, after all). Please translate as needed!
Photo by @angieouple
Pussy Gazing
Look in the mirror and check yourself out. But not just look, really gaze! I had looked at myself plenty of times before, but then this one time I had just got back from my first ever lecture about ‘conscious sexuality’, whatever that means. But at the time it was the affirmations that I needed. It was the first time I heard that my sexaulity was connected to my magnificent and mysterious existence and learning that was profoundly beautiful. Growing up catholic where sex was taught to be so shameful, these words were medicine for me. That evening, I sat in front of a mirror, spread my legs and started to cry. It was the first time I really truly saw my pussy as a magical part of me and as beautiful - in all of its hairy glory.
I realized how beautiful and magical it was.
Like I said before, for me, finding pleasure was about changing my whole relationship with my pussy. (I wrote about this and how it helped me gain body confidence here.)
Photo by @hautechocolatebrooklyn
Masturbation….errr….Self pleasure!
So you name yourself, you are looking at yourself, now..touch yourself! You know your body best. Did you know the etymology of masturbation is loosely translated as “to defile oneself with the hands”??
Like I said, language is powerful and shame runs deep. So I generally prefer “self-pleasure.”
One of my favorite ways to self pleasure is through dancing in front of a mirror...sometimes combining this with pussy gazing. I love finding ways to be sensual in my body while bringing the focus back to my pussy. I love finding ways to sensually move my body, while focusing on my pussy.
Knowing what I like is medicine. Being able to seduce myself is power.
Art by @kimberlyyoungsun
Anatomy
Next, to feel pleasure, you got to know what you are working with! Know your own anatomy. For example, your clitoris is actually more than just a little nub! Averaging 6-8,000 nerve endings, the clitoris’ only role is sensation! I find this very empowering and an inspiration to touch myself...more.
And have you ever heard of vestibular bulbs? They are two bulbs on either side of the vaginal opening that when massaged and stimulated can be very arousing and will engorge, at least for me.
Even though some part of me knew that area felt good to be touched, having a language and a visual understanding of my anatomy empowered me to ask for what I want more clearly. No, I don’t usually say “please massage my vestibular bulbs” while having sex. Unless I am in the mood to be a total sex nerd.
Speaking of nerdiness…let’s touch on some illuminating pussy physiology that has informed my decisions for more pleasure…
Linoleoum print by me
Understanding Wetness & Arousal Non-Concordance
Have you ever got wet or felt yourself tingle when hearing about a sexual scenario that you are definitely NOT interested in? I have. It was confusing and it worried me. I thought I must secretly want that sexual thing to happen because “my body is telling me so.” Nope. Everything made sense when I learned about arousal non-concordance...it’s when your genitals are aroused (wet, hard, tingly) but you have absolutely no sexual desire, or vice versa.. you are mentally and emotionally ready for sex, but your genitals are not responding to your mental cues! Arousal non concordance is really, really normal and very common for all bodies.
Our genitals sometimes respond when something is sexually RELEVANT but NOT SEXUALLY APPEALING.
This is super important, because even though you may be wet, it doesn’t mean you are ready to be penetrated! Let your mind/heart/gut/spirit decide if you are ready for play, not just your wetness/hardness/genital cues.
So, lube is your friend, penetration isn’t everything, and being hard isn’t necessary for an amazing time. (Read my article on dismantling 3 beliefs that helped liberate my sexuality)
Art by @je_andre
Slowing the Fuck Down.
With that being said, I currently don’t let anything inside of me until I am 100% begging for it. Wet or not. Honestly, for a few months I regularly allowed penetration before I was 100% ready and it starting causing some tension in my Pussy. So now I am refocusing on healing and I go sloooowwwwww. And then demand my lover to go even slower. You can even have a ritual where you very, very slowly invite a partner/lover/friend to enter you, on your terms, only when you are 100% ready for it, communicating the whole time. If anything is less than amazingly pleasurable, they don’t continue. You can stop anytime. You have all the control. Doing it this way can be very healing and empowering for survivors of sexual trauma, including myself.
This of course takes someone you love and trust fully… which brings me to my next point..
Photo via @espcialtys
Removing Toxic People From your life
Pussy pain may be a sign of a toxic relationship. Often, our bodies know truths before we let our minds come to terms with them. So, how to know if you’re experiencing worthwhile relationship struggles or you need to get out?? Well, for one, would this person respect and support your desire for pussy healing and pleasure? Would they support you not having any penetration for however long you need? If not, not a good sign.
In general, are you constantly questioning your gut instincts and your intuition? If so, it’s a big fucking red flag. Your body is trying to tell you something! When your mind is stuck cycling around the same questions and worries again and again, your gut knows. You may even feel sick. Or you may experience pussy pain and tension.
I was in a toxic friendship for years and my anxiety was full force. I was having panic attacks and I was constantly second guessing myself! Thankfully, I finally got OUT of the relationship with the help of other people sharing their challenging experiences with this person. And when I did, my whole body felt relieved and my anxiety almost immediately quieted.
I realized my body was trying to tell me the truth all along. SO, TRUST YOURSELF.
It’s very hard to get from pain to pleasure when you are continuing to live in toxic relationships in your life. Whether they be lovers or friends!
Photo by @hart_leshkina
Communicate
Speaking up for yourself does not guarantee that your needs will get met... BUT it does give you a much, much better chance that they will.
I sometimes still say “yes” automatically to things that don’t actually feel right and it almost always bites me in the ass... (not in a good way.) So I have been practicing saying “no” as often as possible with glee, until I really, really feel a “hell yes.”
We practice communicating what we want, getting comfortable hearing and saying “yes” and “no” within the Pussy Portal Course (for details on Pussy Portal click here.)
Pussy Massage
When you trust someone and can communicate what you need, you can go really deep, literally. Pussy massage may be one of the powerful aspects of pussy healing. Tension can be stored in the pelvis, causing discomfort or excruciating pain while trying to experience any type of penetration and sometimes anxiety at even the thought of penetration. Pussy massages, where the focus is on releasing physical tension rather than erotic stimulation, have been incredibly healing for me.
It’s the type of massage similar to having my shoulders rubbed; a non sexual touch. For example, the practitioner focuses on one area that feels tight or stingy to me and would very gently hold that area, lightly rub it, or even energetically allowing it to release. There is deep bodies of work on the art of pussy massage and dearmoring (It’s something that is addressed in the Pussy Portal course). Which connects to my next very important point...
Photo by @carlotta_guerrero
Addressing Trauma and Grief Release
It’s okay to cry during a pussy massage, or sex, or anytime at all! The first time I cried during sex, I thought something was wrong. How could something so pleasurable make me cry? A great way to release tension in our bodies is by moving it with our feelings. If you can tune into the present sensations in your body, it can be incredibly powerful and even heal trauma. The key is to stay present. Allowing yourself to let go of the tension and energy held in the body while staying present with the sensations, rather than revisiting an old story of the past. This can be done while receiving a pussy massage. I wrote an article all about receiving pleasure and how it is a practiced, here.
Since I learned that crying is a normal and healthy way for me to release any tension in my body and pussy, I starting educating all of my lovers. I tell them that it happens sometimes and that we can check in to see if we need to stop, but to not shame the tears! Crying can still be a “hell yes” to sex.
We often demonize tears and big emotiones in our culture, but our bodies are incredible brilliant and crying is just another way to let them release stress!
Photo by @pleasure_principles
Self Massage and Sex Toys
Another healing and empowering way to release tension is self massage! The easiest way I have found to do this is by using curved sex toys. What’s great is that you are in total control and you can flow seamlessly with your own instant and direct feedback. However, I would still recommend going slow and using lots of lube. Here, again, breathe deeply and make sound as you pin point and release any tension in this area. Make sure the toys you use are body safe, meaning they are made of silicone, platinum steel, glass, crystal, or wood.
Just getting comfortable with toys in general can be really fucking empowering.
I went to a talk with at the Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit about using sex toys as tools to heal trauma. It was discussed how some find phallic toys or even skin to skin contact, even with one’s own hand, very triggering. So if this you, you are not alone.
Sex toys can serve as a tool for ACCESSING pleasure and access is different for everyone! During the class, I won a powerful wand vibrator and damn, I orgasmed in under 10 seconds! 10 seconds! After a long day at the conference, that type of pleasure access is fabulously empowering.
Some people teach that you can become addicted to vibrators, but it’s important to think about ACCESS.
Pleasure/orgasm isn’t hierarchical. This preaching is problematic. Vibrations may be the stepping stone to healing. If it’s difficult to feel any pleasure without a vibrator and you would like to, it may be a chance to slow down, try a self massage with a tool, or practice receiving (using the tools in my article here), or you could ask for help from some plant allies...
Healing from the Earth
Like I said, pussy healing is multidimensional. To deeply heal, it’s important to look at our relationships with our bodies, with our partners, with a passions and beliefs, and with the relationship to the Earth. Plants are here to help, sometimes we just need to slow down and listen. Pussy steams can be source to this listening. This is the practice where certain herbs are heated in water while allowing the steam to rise into a pussy portal!They have the power to relax, release and tone the pussy and the whole uterus! I had a really sore cervix for a long time, making deeper penetration very painful. I could only enjoy certain positions for awhile, making my sex life more limited and frustrating. Along with CBD suppositories, yoni steaming seriously eased some of this tension! There are so many paths to healing.
Start by doing something for yourself, letting your body know you care and giving it the time and attention it needs. This can jump start the healing journey. This will help you make more informed decisions on what you will let into your pussy and what you definitely will not let in.
An incredible and intuitive herbalist, Asia Suler, put together the Pussy Portal Course, that I am honored to be a teacher in. So many of the things addressed in this blog are explored more deeply within the course…
Take This Work to a Deeper Level
Pleasure Witch Academy, my 3-month online course and community for deep integration and guidance, is currently open for enrollment.
If you feel in your body that you are ready to prioritize what feels good to you; if you are ready to name what you want; if you are ready to actively build and pursue the life you desire….
Then Pleasure Witch Academy is for you.