A practice for facing self-sabotage.

Sometimes we avoid doing what we want because we have hidden and unconscious fears of our success, our power, and getting what we want. What we want doesn't feel safe.

For example, if you desire to have your own business, the hidden fear may be of needing to develop self-discipline. Or if the desire is wanting to build an instagram following, the hidden fear may be of visibility. Or If the desire is wanting more hot passionate sex, the hidden fear may be of feeling vulnerable and out of control.

It's really hard to go after what we are wanting if we are unaware of the hidden fears that may be holding us back.

To go after what we want, we need to keep looking for the hidden fears that get in the way and empathize with them. Validate them, but not let them control our life.

"Until you make the unconscious, conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it fate." - Carl Jung

This quote beautifully describes the importance of looking at our fears as a way of growing our capacity to go after pleasure in our lives.

These concepts came to me from reading Carolyn Elliott's book "Existential Kink", which I only recommend to folks who have done A LOT of trauma informed work, have a strong self care toolkit, and aren't currently depressed.

While this book has been deeply empowering to me, if I had found it at different stage in my life, it may have been re-traumatizing. I don't think it's for everyone. It doesn't have very supportive trauma informed guidelines and if told to people it's the TRUTH, it can be "gaslighty", BUT if taken in personally, it has the power to be radically transformative. That being said, proceed reading with caution.

However, one of the practices I learned from this personally life-changing book was adopted by AA groups and I find it very powerful, so I'm sharing it with you.

The gist of Carolyn's book, and the basis of this practice, is the fundamental idea that actually getting what we want can be an intense, unsettling, terrifying sensation.

Which is why we sabotage having it.

This might sound weird, but let me give you some examples of this paradox that might feel relatable:

We might say and desire consciously....

• I want to experience pleasure and epic orgasms..

we might actually believe unconsciously...

• I am terrified of letting letting go of control and allowing myself to experience big sensations.

We might say and desire consciously....

• I want to be loved

we might actually believe unconsciously...

• I am unworthy of love. If someone loves me, something is wrong with them, and I shouldn't accept their love. Love isn't safe.

We might say and desire consciously....

• I want abundance and financial stability

we might actually believe unconsciously...

• money feels icky to me, only bad people who don't care about others have financial stability; how can I have enough money; when so many people have nothing? If I make more money, I will no longer fit comfortably into [my family, my partnership, my social circle].

We might say/desire consciously....

• I want success/pursue my dream work

we might actually believe unconsciously...

• I am scared of actually being seen, I am afraid that this means I won't have a life anymore, I don't want the extra responsibility, what do I have to offer, anyway?

This exercise is to help us uncover our unconscious resistances to what we consciously say and think we want - so that we grow our ability to have them, before needing to self sabotage and otherwise resist.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond all measure." - Carolyn Elliott quoting Marianne Williamson

How to do a Fear Inventory

1) Take a pice of paper and write a variation of the following:

"Dear [whatever stands for divinity for you, e.g. universe, unknown, spirit, mystery, god, big blob) I hate and resent having __________write the thing you actually say you want ___________

or

"Dear [whatever stands for divinity for you, e.g. universe, unknown, spirit, mystery, god, big blob) I absolutely refuse having __________write the thing you actually say you want ___________

And then end the sentence with:

• because I deeply fear _______________________ .

2) Write at least twenty fears that come up for you and try to do it as fast as you can, without overly overthinking the process

3) If possible, read this list out to someone you trust and who is willing to witness you. Once you do, have the other person simply affirm you by saying "thank you for sharing". If there is a particularly charged fear, you can do the process all over again with that fear as the main, headliner focus.

Note: Carolyn suggests turning any "other focused" fears, e.g. "I am afraid that they will hate me" into personal sensations that you are unwilling to have, e.g. I am afraid that I am unwilling to feel the sensation of other people hating me".

The reason you do this is because the fear inventory is about uncovering YOUR internal blocks and fears.

4) Once you have done this, it's time to destroy that piece of paper and ritualistically make your unconscious understand that it's time to let go of these fears! I love ripping mine up and burning it. This part is really important. We can be VERY ATTACHED to our fears. Symbolically destroying them can help loosen their grip on us in a very real way. Another reason why it's important to write them down on paper so you have something to physically destroy.

Do this practice as often as necessary i.e. until you can feel a shift, or pick an area in your life to focus on and consistently work through any fears that come up for a set amount of time. At some point you will notice how the same fears keep showing up - this is good and means you are starting to digging up some real gems, hehe. A great place to question how much these fears may be dictating your life in ways that aren't personally serving you.

You've got this.

"Fear-facingness is not the absence of fear but the interrogation of it."

-Sonya Renee Taylor

love,

luna

If you want a WHOLE LOT more of this kind of ground breaking support to embrace your most pleasurable life and to go after what you want in all directions, personally and politically, (because the political is personal) I hope you join us for Pleasure Witch Academy.

Pleasure Witch Academy is a 4-month, healing and pleasure immersion course that only opens once a year. Within this container you will be guided through deep work to weed out the fear, guilt, and shame you hold around pleasure, relationships, your body, abundance, & the erotic that oppressive conditioning has implanted within us. What you will be left with? Space for radical self-love & ridiculous visions to flourish.

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