One Habit that Keeps me from Trauma Spiraling
One habit that has been helping me stay centered through chaos is admitting when I feel scared. Whether it's when my partner and I are talking about something challenging, or when I'm navigating social media, or when I am trying to make any freaking decision during a pandemic, simply saying, "I feel scared" helps me stay grounded and not go into "pattern."
Why is this helpful? What do you mean by going into pattern??
Well, first I want to say, coping is valid. Going into "pattern" isn't bad. Fuck good and bad binaries. What is also true is that when I am acting from a scared anxious place without awareness, I can often cause further harm and still don’t get my needs met. Everyone causes harm, it's part of being human and I think purity culture has an obsession with avoiding harm at all costs. However, I do think it's powerful to minimize harm when we can.
With that said, being aware of when I’m scared and consequently what my impulses are, can be so helpful.
Now, what are patterns?
I'll start by saying, it depends on the context, but I assure you that I am fabulous at appeasing, enduring, and passive aggressive snark.
Steven Kessler’s #5personalitypatterns really taught me a lot about this topic. It’s one of the rare white cis men books I recommend often because it condenses a lot of complex childhood development patterns into a simple structure of comprehending human behavior. It's not everything, but I find it a wonderful place to start to unlearn the unhelpful patterns that we got from pleasure oppression and beyond.
While pleasure oppression isn't our fault, rooting back into pleasure and joy is our responsibility.
Some common patterns by Steven Kessler in his book, The 5 Personality Patterns, paraphrased:
Leaving = our energy escapes up out of our body, dissociating, mentally flying away, stuck in the head, not "there"
Merging/appeasing = putting our energy towards another person, diving in dangerous water with someone without a life saver
Enduring = burying our energy deep within, "you can't touch me"
Aggressive = throwing our energy up and over others, dominating, control
Rigid = constricting our energy, rules, order, and time are god
Anyone can do all of these patterns. It's normal! Nothing to be ashamed of, we are human.
The good news? There are gifts to all of these patterns! The question is how can we become more aware of them and have them continue to serve you and your life in an integrated way?
Examples of some gifts to each of these patterns:
Leaving = dreaming big, fantasizing, creativity, forming ideals
Merging/appeasing = tracking other's feelings, knowing how to adjust and shift, affirming and healing
Enduring = being able to keep going when things get tough, in it for the long haul, steady, resilient
Aggressive/dominating = leading a room, taking action, initiation, seeing through and calling out bullshit
Rigid = organizing lots of information, creating systems that serve
HERE ARE SOME INVITATIONAL JOURNAL PROMPTS:
What do you notice about your patterns when you get scared, overwhelmed, or upset in some way?
How does the trauma pattern and the gift relate to your life? Does it? Can you see any threads of things you have struggled with, but have also shown up as gifts? For me, I didn't really start to notice this connection until I started teaching, it's okay if it doesn't feel relatable!
What is a tool or pattern that you use often? What are the benefits of this pattern? When does this pattern not go well/not get your needs met?
What would it be like if you admitted when you were afraid? Could that potentially pause and slow down instead of jet setting to the familiar pattern? How could that change your life?
I invite you to:
Light a candle or incense.
Take 3 deep breaths into the belly. Tuning into that felt sense of safety in your body, your surroundings, a fantasy, or a memory. (this is called “resource” from somatic experiencing)
Set your timer. Up to you how long. (I do between 10-20 mins)
And begin.
If you want a whole lot more of this kind of support almost every day for three months, mixed with live classes, somatic exercises, guest interviews, a book group, and MORE, you can join us for Pleasure Witch Academy to confront internalized pleasure oppression and root back into fierce self love. It's the perfect time of year to get really grounded within your self.
My trauma-informed approach to healing from pleasure oppression offers support and practices daily. Because it takes time to heal and integrate what you are learning. And pleasure is our birthright everyday.
with love and such gentle fierceness,
luna