The Power of Boundaries
Photo provided by Disabled and Here
Be sure to read to the end (or scroll to the bottom of this post), I have a wonderful, free mediation on the topic of boundaries waiting there for you.
“You literally don’t have to be friends with people you don’t like.
Maybe this is obvious to you, maybe not.
Either way, it was relieving for me to hear.
A couple of years ago, I realized that I was in a friendship that made me feel extremely anxious and deeply exhausted, but I didn’t know what to make out of this realization. In fact, I thought how I felt was tied to how I was behaving, or what I could do better. Basically, I felt like it was all my fault and like I was being a bad friend, who was always fucking up.
I constantly felt stressed out about our connection and had the nagging feeling that I wasn’t doing enough, or simply not getting it right. So many times I accidentally pissed them off, and I thought - and they had me believe - that it was because I had not considered something they needed.
Then I learned that others were having similar experience with my friend.
It made me realize that it wasn’t just me and that what was happening had almost nothing to do with what I was doing. In fact, it was impossible to get it right, and I could have never done enough.
My friend was exploiting me and my magic.
About a year after I had become aware of this, I realized the same thing was happening in my romantic relationship.
Again, I felt frustrated, exhausted, and anxious … all the time.
Looking back, I know that our nervous systems were simply NOT supportive of one another. What I mean by that is that we regularly triggered each other into a fight/flight/freeze stress response. I now realize how toxic and draining our connection was for my whole being.
When I finally walked away, my life improved dramatically (I even found the deepest, most supportive love of my life).
Before I went through those two situations, I used to believe that I was an anxious person and that anxiety was simply a part of my identity. Nope. Nope. Nope. What made me so anxious was being in toxic situations and relationships that had me feeling on edge and walking on eggshells all the time.
Our social and physical environments can have such an impact on our nervous systems, and it is not to be underestimated!
Unfortunately, systems of oppression aren’t going to change overnight, and at the base of a lot of stress for a lot of people are issues tied to white supremacy and colonization. But what is also true, is that shutting ourselves off from the whole world can often be even more painful. So how do we navigate this?
We get to learn to take care of ourselves with what we’ve got, by setting up boundaries and respecting the fuck out of them!
If you find yourself in a similar situation as I described above, then the first thing to prioritize is harm reduction.
When it’s accessible, remove yourself from the most harmful situations and people.
As you do this, here are some Red Flags to look out for:
You feel anxious, exhausted, angry during and/or after seeing them
They rarely own their mistakes, but are quick to blame you
You don’t feel safe sharing yourself vulnerably with them
It’s hard to know what you want and need in their presence
They make you feel like you can’t leave, even though you feel uncomfortable staying
You find yourself waiting for when they are “the sweet and nice person you know” again
You are constantly questioning your gut instincts and your intuition around them
Now, take a deep breath.
SOME QUESTIONS FOR YOU TO JOURNAL AND REFLECT ON:
Photo provided by Disabled and Here
What are some other red flags you can think of?
What would an ideal relationship look like? How would you be treated?
What would it feel like to have your needs met?
What behaviors are not acceptable to you?
If you struggle applying this to your personal situation, imagine a friend/someone you love and care for, and what you think would be unacceptable treatment of them.
Then ask yourself: How is this applicable to me?
Boundaries: A Garden Wall with a Gate
To be very honest with you, sometimes the most important thing we need to do is remove ourselves from toxic situations and struggles - when we can.
Sometimes, disengaging is the best thing.
Disengaging is…
Not answering that text/call
Not getting involved in the comments section of that internet debate
Choosing to break up with that person.
While disengaging and removing yourself is an important way to minimize harm, you will still be required to engage with the world (you are a human being after all). So, how do you navigate these poles? One way is to set up versatile and strong boundaries that are tailored to your needs, without isolating yourself.
Boundaries are NOT simply a firm, and concrete wall of protection that you build around yourself to shut out the world.
They are not just about saying “no.” Boundaries, if done right, offer spaces for your “fuck yes”.
Rather than a castle fortress, with thick impenetrable walls, I invite you to think of your boundaries as a cobble stone wall with a gate.
Imagine yourself as a fucking glorious garden; a garden that moves through seasons and cyclical patterns; a garden that can be fragile, needing more support to flourish, or thriving and bursting with colors, able to provide shade and nourishment to others.
Because this garden is private property, you get to decide who is allowed through, and who has to stay outside.
Some people will be invited to come through your gate and help you tend the garden. Others might have to stay out, because they simple don’t have the right “green thumb” for the plants you grow. Sometimes everyone needs to leave the garden, other times you might decide it’s time for a garden party. Pavilion and all.
At the core of this metaphor lies the idea that, while we don’t want people trampling our magic, it’s also not necessary to keep them all out, all the time. Many of our deepest pleasures are felt by sharing them with one another.
But the house rule is: YOU get to decide when the gate opens and closes, and for whom.
As a recovering people pleaser, I know that it can be common to get your gate stuck in one state or the other.
Especially if you are just starting to set or refreshing your boundaries, it can happen that your gate is firmly shut and opens for no one.
“NO NO NO,” with a solid shut, never opening gate.
At other times, the gate is left wide open and unattended.
“Sure whatever, I don’t care, do what you want.”
Healthy boundaries are a balance between the two.
“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”- Prentis Hemphill
Because I don’t want to overwhelm you, and to give you time to journal through the questions and process how this informatino resonates with you, I will stop here for now, even though the concept of boundaries could fill 100 blog posts.
On that note, is there anything you feel you want to add to the post? Are there red flags you can share, or consider important that are missing?
Fierce love,