"No" is a Complete Sentence
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Maybe you know and feel in your core how important it is to have reliable boundaries in place, but you simply don’t know how to actually enforce them.
Have you ever gone back to a partner after you knew they were draining you? Did you ever tell your kids that you needed time to work, you even put up a sign on the door and everything, but they simply interrupted you anyway? Did you ever say “no” to something, and then, after a little bit of resistance from the other person, cave in and change your answer to “yes”, because you couldn’t deal with the pressure?
Have you ever found yourself seething with resentment because another person ignored your boundaries, but you just didn’t know what to do about it?
Then this is for you.
BOUNDARIES NEED YOUR “NO” + ACTION
One thing you must always remember when it comes to boundaries is that, once you set them, you don’t need to explain or justify them. Ever.
Your boundaries are non-negotiable and you don’t need outside permission to validate them.
Boundaries are not for other people, but for you. They are guidance systems that communicate your limits (the garden wall and if the gate is open or not) to others, so they know what is acceptable for you and what isn’t.
You are the one who decides what that is, because only you know what you need to be happy, or what people/situations make you feel uneasy/unsafe.
Boundaries are all about your clarity on what does and doesn’t work for you (red flags), and the courage to uphold this truth in situations where you experience pushback.
In other words, boundaries are knowing who you are and what your life should look like, and having the systems in place that allow you to live that life.
Now, some people will try to force you to justify and explain yourself when they come up against your boundaries (especially if they are new ones), and they will try to make you feel like you don’t have a “good reason” to reject what they are asking of you.
(BTW: Boundaries will quickly let you know if someone is making a request - allows for your “no”- , or if they are making a demand - leaves no room for you or your boundaries.)
Most often, the people who push the hardest are those who benefit the most from you not having boundaries.
Not having boundaries enables their toxic or dysfunctional behaviour, and you are now threatening the status quo of their comfort zone.
This can be (among many other reasons) because they are
(consciously or not) worried that they can no longer use you or rely on you as they previously could (these people often thrive on your lack of self-esteem and self-worth), or
because your (fresh) boundaries painfully mirror to them the lack of their own, and they don’t know how to deal with that.
Nonetheless, in the face of these pushbacks, remember that you can trust yourself to know what you want and what feels good. You also know when you feel anxious, overwhelmed, or simply uncomfortable.
This knowing is what your boundaries are built upon and they do not require justification or explanation. However, they do require that you uphold them with the use of your “no”, as well as action/consequences.
Image by Nat Lue from Baggage Reclaim
Image by Nat Lue from Baggage Reclaim
Many of you might have tried to explain their boundaries to others, possibly a hundred times, just to have them crossed over and over again. The truth is, you cannot explain your boundaries to someone who has no interest in you having them in the first place.
Those who have great boundaries themselves are often not the problem. Rather, it is those who have murky boundaries themselves, or who have an interest in exploiting people with weak boundaries that will be a problem.
What you need to do is practice connecting your boundaries to authentic “no”s and actions that enforce them.
Rather than going into an elaborate excuse or reason for declining an invitation, e.g., say “thanks for the invite, I can’t make it” (use of no), and leave it at that.
If you need time for yourself at the gym, don’t reply to texts, or leave the phone in your locker (use of action).
When a friend keeps dumping their emotions on you, reduce the amount of time you are exposed to them (use of action), or tell them “I hear that you are experiencing a really tough time, but I not able to provide you with the emotional support you need right now” (use of no).
Remember, you don’t need to explain yourself. In fact, if you explain yourself, some people will use that as a “hook” that they can use to push back on your boundaries, leaving you without a “good enough” reason to deny them what they want.
“I am not happy” is enough.
“This is not working for me” is enough.
“I cannot engage with you under these circumstances” is enough.
PRACTICE USING YOUR “NO”
If you find it hard to use your “no” at the moment, don’t worry. It takes practice!
Just think of how many years you might have done all you could not to use it. Or the conditioning many of us grew up with around being “good” and available to meet the needs of others.
To get better at standing for your “no”, you start out with the small, everyday situations, and work yourself up to the big boundary scenarios.
“Oh, sorry Paula. Even though I would love to help you out, I can’t take on that extra task at the moment.”
“Thank you JD, but I won’t be able to meet up this week.”
“No, sweetie, I don’t have time right now, I’m working and unavailable for the next two hours.”
“I know I baked a cake for the last three years, but I won’t be able to make it this year.”
“Under these circumstances, I don’t feel comfortable seeing you anymore”
It’s important to build your emotional stamina around saying “no” in normal, non-threatening situations (even though they might still make you feel uncomfortable) so that you have the courage to stick to your boundaries even in sexually charged and intimate situations.
The more you PRACTICE saying “no”, the easier it will be in ANY situation.
A great practice is going through a whole day where you check in with yourself for each decision:
Is it a “hell yes”? Then it’s a yes.
If it isn’t a “hell yes”, it’s a “no.”
If it’s a “maybe” it’s a “no.”
It may be challenging at first, but I promise you that it will get easier. Over time, you will find it easier to navigate your needs and state your boundaries clearly, and most people around you will get used to your new boundaries and challenge them less.
In addition, if this is something you find yourself worrying about, boundaries are not chiseled in stone and they don’t have to stay riggidly in place forever.
A “no” right now does not have to be a “no” in a month.
A “yes” now does not have to be a “yes” the next time.
Photo provided by Disabled and Here
SITTING WITH THE DISCOMFORT OF SAYING NO
When you start setting boundaries and tell people “no,” or act in ways that communicate your “no”, it will likely make some people feel really uncomfortable.
For many reasons and for many people, hearing a “no” can feel like an incredibly intense rejection. What’s more, if the people in your life are not used to hearing a “no” from you, it can trigger a defensive reaction.
One such reaction might be to gaslight you. Meaning that they may try to tell you in some way that you are wrong and bad for having these boundaries.
They will have you question the validity of your “no” and use your connection to undermine your boundaries.
They will try to make you believe
that you are selfish
that you won’t have any friends with this kind of behaviour
that you are a bad friend
that you are a bad partner
that there is something wrong with your needs
that you don’t know what is best for you
that you don’t see the situation clearly and you are the problem
Knowing this, or having experienced this first hand, no wonder so many of us find it difficult to establish our boundaries and stick to them.
Our fear of the response of others to our boundaries is what makes having them so complicated.
What you need to remember in these situations is that this is their trauma response. You are NOT responsible for it.
However, sitting with the discomfort of their response is your responsibility - and this is such a crucial moment.
This is the moment where most boundaries are subverted not by someone else, but by you.
This is the moment where you
cave and go back to your harmful partner
engage your children, even though you told them you were not available
change a shaky “no” into a resentful, angry, and overwhelmed “yes”
Standing for your boundaries during the discomfort of another person’s “attack” on them can be an extremely difficult situation to bear. Especially if you are still buying into their pushback and secretly believe that you are being a selfish person, or a bad partner, for setting up boundaries in the first place.
Don’t underestimate how big your need is to be liked, and/or to uphold the feeling of peace. Just as another might be triggered to feel rejected by your boundaries, their response might trigger your own fear of rejection and abandonment.
In that context, no wonder you might revert back to past behaviour in order to restore a sense of safety and peace. To stop feeling the discomfort of someone else’s response, we might try to avoid triggering it in the first place, which often necessitates that we abandon our boundaries and values.
However, this does not actually solve the situation either. Rather, it communicates to you and others that your boundaries are not to be taken too seriously and that if you push hard enough against them, people can still have from you what they want.
Considering all this, it’s understandable that so many of us get trapped in this toxic loop of trying to set up boundaries, just to override them when we experience pushback.
Like with any habit, going back to what we know, what we believe we can control, seems easier than going through the discomfort of the new and uncharted experience.
That is why it takes a lot of self-love and outside support to enforce boundaires.
It also takes patience and courage. Having and standing for your boundaries is a process that requires clarity on your part (knowing what you want, and what you don’t want), but also the committment to practicing your “small no”, so that you will be able to stand for your “big no” when you need to.
While you cannot control other people or their responses, you do have a certain level of agency and control when it comes to the strength of your boundaries.
Remember:
Clearly communicate with your “no” + action
Sit with your discomfort. You don’t need to soothe the other person, justify your reasoning, or change your boundary
No is a complete sentence